


Black Dildos and White Elephants

by glittering_git



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco Malfoy in the Muggle World, H/D Owlpost Holiday Fest, HP: EWE, Holidays, Humor, M/M, Original Character(s), Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8732080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittering_git/pseuds/glittering_git
Summary: Draco brings a gag gift to a white elephant gift exchange. Potter is there and chooses Draco’s gift. Why, oh why, does the world hate Draco?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [persephoneapple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/persephoneapple/gifts).



> Persephone, I hope that you enjoy this piece about these two boys! I took the white elephant prompt and the Draco Malfoy living in the Muggle World and was inspired. A huge thank you to the mods for all of your hard work, kindness, and patience with this fest!

“Draco, you prat, why would you bring _that_ to a white elephant gift exchange?” Mar pointed a finger accusingly at the long, slim, black dildo that sat on the table between them in a giftbox of bright gold.

“Have you ever heard of the song, “Dick in a box?” Draco asked. “It’s by The Lonely Island, and the first time I heard it, I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. I know that _I’d_ be more than happy to receive such a gift.” 

Mar let out a snort

Draco continued, “As I would be more than happy to receive such a gift, then why wouldn’t other people? It’s also multifunctional—everyone has some kind of hole that they can stick it into.” 

“Do you have to be so crass?” Mar wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t like it,” Draco lectured. “You seem to forget that we’ve been flatmates for more than two years, and we have _very_ thin walls.” 

Her face turned red, and she quickly changed the subject. “But like I was telling you earlier, Cora is going to be inviting one of her friends that she met in a pub in Camden a few weeks back.” 

“Oh, so it’s one of _those_ friends?” Draco raised his eyebrows. He had known Cora even longer than Mar, and he knew what she liked—primarily shagging people. 

“No, no,” Mar was quick to protest. “It’s not like that. Cora actually wants you to meet him.”

“But I’m not looking for anyone,” Draco protested. “You know that. I’m still not ready to date after James.” 

Mar’s face softened gently. “I understand, darling, but it can’t hurt to meet him, right? Even if you just end up being mates and not anything more, yeah?” 

Draco had to admit that she was right. It had been over six months since James had moved out, but it had been his first long-term relationship. After the war, Draco had not felt welcome in the wizarding world, and so had searched for something else in the Muggle one. Raised to believe that Muggles were beneath him, it was quite an adjustment trying to live with them. He had to unlearn everything that his father had taught him, everything that had made him a ‘good’ Malfoy. He learned to appreciate, and even understand, some aspects of Muggle culture, and over time, became completely comfortable living with them. After spending a couple of months figuring life out, Draco began going to the London School of Economics. He had met Mar, whose actual name was Marlene, and Cora in his first year, and they had quickly become his closest friends. 

“What is his name?” 

“It was something common. I think it started with an H, but I don’t remember.”

“What don’t you remember?” Cora asked, coming up to stand beside Mar. 

“The name of your friend that’s coming to the white elephant gift exchange.” 

“Oh, it’s Harry. Harry Potter. Really nice bloke.” 

Draco felt his chest drop, but he tried to maintain his expression. 

“Are you okay?” Mar asked. It must not have worked very well because both Mar and Cora were looking at him with the same expression of concern. 

“I’m fine. I just haven’t heard that name in quite a while.” Bloody Potter. What was he doing interrupting Draco’s life?

“Oh, did you go to school together. He didn’t mention it when I talked about my flatmates.” 

“I can’t imagine that he would have. Our relationship wasn’t exactly… cordial.” 

“I sense some drama,” Cora stated, delighted. “But the party starts soon, so you’ll have to tell me later.”  
The doorbell rang, and guests began filing in, oohing and ahhing at the Christmas decorations adorning the living room. There were colored strings of lights, a tree whose branches were full of shiny ornaments in the corner, and the smell of delicious biscuits wafting out of the kitchen. 

Draco still couldn’t believe that fucking Potter was coming to the party—to his flat, into his life. It had been three years. Draco had had no contact with the wizarding world except for when he would visit his mother at the Manor. He kept his wand in a box under his bed and only used it when no one else was in the flat. Magic would always be a piece of him, but it wasn’t something that he needed on a daily basis. Life was almost simpler without it. 

He was startled out of his thoughts when someone exclaimed “Harry!” and he looked up to see Cora giving Potter a hug in the doorway. 

“Did you bring a white elephant gift?” she asked. 

Potter smiled shyly and extended out his hand, which was holding a box shaped much like Draco’s, a shiny red bow on top. She took the gift from him, set it down on the table with the other gifts, and began leading him over to where Draco was standing. 

“Harry, I’d like you to meet my flatmate and friend, Draco.” 

“Malfoy,” Potter said. 

“Potter,” Draco replied. 

“So, it looks like you two do know each other. I’m just going to let you get reacquainted.” Cora backed away slowly, shooting looks over at Mar, who returned them with a shrug. 

“So, Malfoy, fancy meeting you here.” Potter appeared to be holding his body casually, as if he saw Malfoy every day and this was a normal occurrence. Draco held his body taut, his fight or flight reflexes kicking in, because he never knew with Potter. Before, it had always been fight, verbal sparring and jabs, but it was different now. Three years later. And Malfoy had changed. He was no longer the spoiled brat he’d been at Hogwarts, but maybe he was still intimidated by Potter. 

“It’s my flat, Potter.” Draco explained patronizingly. “Of course I’d be here. What’s more surprising is that you decided to come, knowing that I’d be here.” 

“Well, I was, let’s say, curious,” Potter admitted sheepishly. “It’s been three years, Malfoy. Three years since you dropped off the face of the earth. Well,” he amended, “at least the face of the wizarding world.”

“Yes, well I’m sure that you can understand why,” Draco retorted. He quickly looked around the room to see if anyone was close enough to hear their conversation about wizards and magic, but realized that everyone had moved into the kitchen to eat some of the appetizers. “The wizarding world wasn’t exactly welcoming to me, even after their Savior gave his testimonial about the hated Death Eater.” 

“They still didn’t have to be so harsh,” Potter stated angrily. 

Draco was surprised by the venom in his voice. 

“I’m sorry,” Potter continued. “It’s just something that I’m having to fight, even now. The Ministry wants to set an example in dealing with all of Voldemort’s followers, but I’m worried that it’s going to be too much, that they’re going too far.” 

Draco had known that this was the case, from his mother. He hadn’t known that Potter felt the same way. 

“But I didn’t come here to dredge up the past. I’m here to start over, if you can believe it.” Potter stuck out his hand, and Draco was taken back to when they were 11 and just starting Hogwarts, where another attempted handshake was quickly aborted. He was sorely tempted to deny Potter, but he also wanted the fresh start that Potter offered. He grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously. 

“Hi, my name is Draco Malfoy,” Draco said, a slight smile lighting his pale features. “But most people just call me Draco.”

Potter smiled at that. “Hi Draco, nice to meet you. You can call me Harry.” 

“Harry.” Draco liked the sound of that, rolling off his tongue so smoothly. It didn’t have to be spat angrily, like the name Potter. “Would you care for a beverage?” 

Harry shook his head in the affirmative, and they wandered into the kitchen to get drinks. After showing Harry their selection of holiday beverages, Draco ended up pouring them both hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps. When they had poured their drinks, it was time to do the gift exchange. 

The other members of the party had slowly filtered into the living room, where they now sat atop the various sofas and chaises and folding chairs, for the unfortunate few. Mar and Cora had moved the gifts onto the coffee table in the center of the room, lining them up nicely so that everyone could see each gift. Cora explained the rules, only one gift switch per gift, and they would draw numbers from a hat to see who would go first. Draco drew the last number, and Pot—no, Harry—drew the first. 

“Oi, it looks like Harry gets to go first,” Mar exclaimed.

“I don’t know what to choose, there’s so many options.” Harry surveyed the table carefully, his brow furrowed in concentration. “I think that I’ll have this one, because it’s in such a pretty gold box.” 

Draco’s eyes quickly searched out Mar’s. Her face had quickly burst out in a smile, and she covered her mouth to try and stifle the laugh. Draco shook his head at her exasperatedly, but she only mouthed ‘you did this to yourself.’

It was true, but that didn’t mean that Draco had to like it. He didn’t know that Potter, the berk, would be showing up in Draco’s life. As Potter, and he was Potter now, because he was doing something ridiculous like choosing Draco’s gag gift, began to slowly untie the ribbon around the box, Draco could only watch in growing horror. 

“Someone did a nice job wrapping this,” Potter commented. “I wonder what could be inside.” 

Mar couldn’t stop the snort that escaped, and Draco shot her a _glance_. She only shrugged her shoulders in response. 

Potter had finally reached the contents in the box, and his face had turned a deep red. 

“Show us what it is, Harry,” Mar called. 

“Um,” Potter began. “I don’t know if I want to.”

“Oh, come on. We’re all adults here.”

Potter hesitantly reached inside the box, and grasped the dildo by its curved tip. He pulled it out and held it up, but because he had such a light grip on it, it fell toward the floor. 

Draco quickly reached his hand out and caught it, but Potter’s other hand had come up to try and catch it as well, and now their hands were both on the _thing_. Draco looked away in mortification, and quickly snatched his hand away, but Potter’s hand was on top of his, so it only served to pull Potter’s hand towards him. 

“Potter,” Draco said threateningly. “Will you please unhand me?” 

Potter moved his hand down the shaft, and Draco let go as if his hand had caught fire. Draco couldn’t look at Potter, knowing his face was flushed red. 

Everyone else had been watching the exchange closely, and Draco could hear muffled laughs. He decided to ignore them all. 

The game moved on, but Draco wasn’t really paying attention. He kept trying to sneak glances of Potter, but Potter was always averting his gaze. He didn’t know what had happened, but Potter’s hand on his, like _that_ had been an intriguing idea. He couldn’t seem to get it out of his mind—it held a certain promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love ♥ You can also leave one on [LiveJournal](http://hd-owlpost.livejournal.com/143831.html)
> 
> Follow the [H/D Gift Giving Exchanges](http://hd-owlpost.livejournal.com/) for more fic and art!
> 
> The song mentioned in this fic is a real one by The Lonely Island.


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